So much I can't say
by A-whisper-of-a-thrill
Summary: Alice admires Bella from a distance. This is my first songfic, I hope you like it. Please read and review. :
1. Just so you know

**So much I can't say**

**Hey,**

**This is my first Bella and Alice story and only my second fanfiction ever written. Please let me know what you think, constructive criticism is appreciated :). Hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, Twilight or the song.**

**Song: Jesse McCartney – Just so you know**

**(I left the chorus out a couple of times because it doesn't read as well when you have to reread the chorus ten times in a row)**

She was sitting on the sofa, his arm around her shoulder and she leaning lovingly into his embrace. I was sitting opposite them, watching them, or rather watching her. Bella's attention on the other hand was completely focused on him, her eyes full of love and admiration and I was fervently hoping that one day she would look at me with those loving, deep brown eyes. It was wishful thinking, though. I knew I shouldn't love her the way I did because she was _his_ and I was pretty sure she didn't have any feelings for me.

_I shouldn't love you but I want to  
I just can't turn away  
I shouldn't see you but I can't move  
I can't look away_

Every time she walked in the room, I couldn't help staring at her. I just couldn't look away, she was too mesmerizing and her delicious blood singing out to me didn't help either with hiding the longing expression that appeared on my face whenever I saw her. I don't know how to stop these feelings, they are taking control of me and every single day it becomes harder to not walk right up to her and kiss those full lips.

_And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not  
'cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop_

_Just so you know_  
_This feeling's taking control of me_  
_And I can't help it_  
_I won't sit around; I can't let him win now_  
_Thought you should know_  
_I've tried my best to let go of you_  
_But I don't want to_  
_I just got to say it all_  
_Before I go_  
_Just so you know_

My thoughts were drifting away, thinking about how wonderful it would feel to have her lips against mine. I felt a tingling sensation go through my body and when I looked up I saw her watching me closely, a questioning look on her face. I noticed Edward wasn't here anymore, it was just her and me in the room. She was openly staring at me and I was having a hard time controlling myself. I just wanted to tell her. I wanted so desperately for her to know how I felt about her, but I know that it wouldn't go down well. So I bit down on my lip and swallowed hard trying to push down everything I felt for her. I couldn't hold her gaze anymore and so I looked away in the hope I could get a hold of my emotions before I said something I would regret.

_It's getting hard to be around you  
There's so much I can't say  
Do you want me to hide the feelings  
And look the other way_

_And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not_  
_'cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop_

It was hard to hide my feelings, considering I was a very affectionate and outspoken person. And deep down I knew that one day I would have to tell her or otherwise things could end badly. Every day I saw her with him and every time I had to swallow down the 'I love you' that threatened to get out whenever she came close to me, it killed me inside. It felt like every time I did this a small piece of my heart was ripped off. When I looked back at her, I saw her questioning look had disappeared and a strange knowing look had formed in her eyes. She didn't look shocked or surprised, she just gave me a knowing smile. God, I knew she could read me well and apparently my facial expressions hadn't been very subtle. But why is she not angry or upset with me? She is such a strange girl, but that is one of the things I love about her. I love how she is always so understanding and never one to judge. I looked her in the eyes and we held each other's gaze for a couple of minutes, the tension between us palpable. I was just about to say something, when Edward chose that moment to come back into the room. Damn it! Bella is still watching me though and just before she returns her attention to him, she winks at me. What the hell? Did she feel it too? I'm so confused right now. Maybe I should wait and just see what happens, let things run their course for a while. In the meantime I could keep admiring her from a distance, while I plucked up the courage to tell her about my unspoken feelings.

_This emptiness is killing me  
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long  
Looking back I realize  
It was always there just never spoken  
I'm waiting here...Been waiting here_


	2. Creep

**Hi! I decided to write a second chapter and I'm thinking about making this a full, multi-chaptered story. I'm not really sure yet, it would depend on my creativity, the reviews and my school work (I'm swamped with essays at the moment). I will certainly let you know if I do. I hope you like the second chapter! Please read and review ****.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, the characters or the song.**

**Song: Radiohead – Creep**

**(I highly recommend the Scala & Kolacny Brothers' cover, which is found here: (just remove the space after the periods and the slash) www. youtube. com/ watch?v=axrqVfuGHh0)**

I was staring at her once again, but this time she didn't notice. Well to be completely honest, she _can't_ really notice me staring, considering she's asleep. I feel like such a creep right now. I am sitting on a chair right next to her window, watching her sleep and savoring the soft sound of her breathing and the slight movement of her chest every time she takes in the air around her. I wish I was the air that touches her lips and envelops her small, curled-up body. I think I am going crazy, who in their right mind wishes to be air? But she's just so beautiful, the moonlight reflecting of her perfect, pale skin and giving it a soft glow. She looks like an angel right now, so peaceful and innocent and here I am, watching the poor girl sleep, like some psychotic stalker studying it's next victim. What the hell am I doing? I shouldn't be here. If she knew of this creepy habit I have been developing the last couple of weeks she would probably freak out and run as far away as she could.

_When you were here before  
Couldn't look you in the eye  
You're just like an angel  
Your skin makes me cry  
You float like a feather  
In a beautiful world  
And I wish I was special  
You're so fucking special_

But I'm a creep  
I'm a weirdo  
What the hell am I doing here?  
I don't belong here  


She turns around and now her beautiful face is turned my way. I hear her mumble something in her sleep, it's almost unintelligible but I thank the Lord for my vampire hearing when I hear my name escape her full lips. Did she know I was here, spying on her while she's sleeping? Would she notice if I decided to not come around anymore? Would she miss me? Probably not, I am just the weird best friend, who, unknown to her, watches her sleep every single night. I shouldn't be the one to watch her sleep, though. It should be Edward. He should be the one who admires her stunning features in the night. He should be the one who watches over her and makes sure she doesn't have any nightmares. I feel like I don't belong here. I shouldn't be here, and probably she wouldn't want me to be. She would want it to be Edward.

_I don't care if it hurts  
I want to have control  
I want a perfect body  
I want a perfect soul  
I want you to notice  
When I'm not around  
You're so fucking special  
I wish I was special_

But I'm a creep  
I'm a weirdo  
What the hell am I doing here?  
I don't belong here

She mumbles again and this time it's Edward's name that reaches my sensitive ears. God, I can't take this anymore. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I am just making it harder on myself. I decide to run back to the house and just when I'm about to jump out of the window, I hear her whisper again, a silent 'stay' escaping her lips. I look back at her and I see her staring back at me, her magnificent brown eyes connecting with my golden ones. I stand there, completely still, waiting for her to fully wake up and yell at me to get the hell out of her room. She doesn't, though. She keeps watching me with a small smile playing on her lips and right before she closes her eyes again, she whispers a second time for me to stay. I sit back down and keep my eyes on her now silent form, wondering what the hell just happened. This is still strange, though, the whole 'me-watching-her-sleep-thing', but if this is what she wants, I gladly comply. Whatever makes her happy…

_She's running out the door  
She's running out  
She's run, run, run, running out_

Whatever makes you happy  
Whatever you want  
You're so fucking special  
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep  
I'm a weirdo  
What the hell am I doing here?  
I don't belong here

I don't belong here


End file.
